Just checking in

Why hello lovies! Just doin' a quick lil check in ;) For the past week or so have been going really well for me and I just hope I can keep things rollin' in this same direction! I am just totally sick of this whole ED and how it has ruined more of my life than I would have liked and he is NOT going to take away any more of my life...this is IT!

I met with my therapist on Monday and she really is the best! I work very well with her and we have worked on so much together already. The main thing I have learned and have been using lately is to focus on the PRESENT (like I have said before) and to forget about the past because it is over and done with and to stop worrying about the future because there is nothing I can do about it now and if I do what I need to do now in the present then the future will take care of itself. I must say it has been working for me! We also talked about what to do to prevent be going downhill which usually happens for me after a few weeks in recovery when ED tells me I have done well for a few weeks and now I can take it easy but he is NOT true!

I have been very busy nanying lately in this HOT summer weather!I have been having yogurt messes because they are perfect for on the go and tasty obvs, especially these lil packets of Justin's peanut butter!Lovin' pb crackers and sudoku puzzles. I am pretty sure I am addicted to these! They have been keeping me sane and busy while the kiddos are having down time during my 15 hour shifts :oSubway Turkey, swiss, lettuce, and tomato on wheat with pretzels and an apple.I had a ham sandwich the other day and boy let me tell you I was not happy with it! I thought the ham was very salty (yuck!) and would have much rather prefered my turkey but we were all out but alas mom went grocery shopping today so we are now all stocked up.

Clif Bars where have you been!? I sure have missed them and I am SO glad I brought them back ;)
One of my fav Clifs is Chocolate Chip and this was the first time I heated it up in the micro and it was amazing! Do try it, you will not be disappointed!But I must remind you do NOT put the wrapper in the micro or else it will make some weird noise and you will quickly remember it is metal and immediately open the door and proceed to put the bar on a plate instead. It's not like I did this or anything at all ;)Another fav is Oatmeal Rasisin Walnut. Need I say more about the Chocolate Brownie? I mean let's be real it tastes just like a homemade chocolate brownie! Yumms.

Dinners have been going real well for me lately.
Dinner while nannying last night. Italian chicken, corn on the cob, broccoli, and sweet potatoes that I made! I LOVE making my own meals now :) It is a sense of accomplishment and a good feeling in my recovery!Trader Joe's salmon, pasta salad, broccoli, and a roll with butter.BBQ on Sunday at the cousin's house. If you haven't already noticed from my posts this summer, I go to lots of cookouts and I LOVE it! That is what summer is all about. I had a cheeseburger along with some pasta salad and some chips not pictured.

I was so proud of myself for this dinner because at previous cook outs this summer (when I wasn't doing all that well in my recovery) I would get my food and then go up in the screen porch and eat by myself. Of course this was such an ED behavior. I just didn't want my family looking at me and the food I was eating or not eating. I mean the whole concept of cookouts is to eat and mingle, right?!

But this past cookout my mom and I arrived later and everyone else already eaten. Uhh ohhh! So what was I gonna do, get my food and go up and eat alone? HELL NO! I was hungry and I was gonna get my food and sit down at the table by the pool and eat my dinner even though everyone else had finished eating and was currently talking. I don't know what it was but something just hit me and I did what I wanted to do and not what ED wanted to do! I got my plate and sat down and got eating and talking, it felt great! Even though I saw my aunt and grandma look at what I was eating I knew that was expected and I don't think those "helicopter" eyes are gonna go away from me anytime soon. But I know they are eyes of concern and love and they only want the best for me!!

I am now off to watch The Hills and The City and then getting to bed early for another full day of nannying tomorrow!

Motivation

During recovery I have learned so much about myself, my eating disorder, and recovery etc. But one thing that seems to be the most important during my recovery is motivation! Without it I don't think I would be able to recover from my ED.

These past few weeks as summer has finally begun something hit me and it hit me hard! I used to be the queen of fashion, I loved to shop and dress up as I have soo many clothes. But I must admit my ED has totally robbed me off that. During my ED I have hardly care what I look like and I hate that. During the winter I would just throw on sweats to cover my body and it wasn't a big deal. But now as the summer is here with the hot temperatures I can't cover my body in sweatshirts and sweatpants as I need to start wearing summer clothes.

But the problem is that i look absolutely horrible in summer clothes and I hate the way my body looks as it is NOT the way it should look! I hate how skinny my arms and legs are and how my chest bones stick out, it is gross and I can't stand it!!

This hit me last week when the temperatures were really hot and I was wearing light sweatpants and a t-shirt and it sucked. I was sweating to death as I was wishing I could wear my summer clothes like everyone else. I also hate the fact that it is summertime and I can't even go swimming or wear a bathing suit and feel comfortable in it without people looking at me like a freak.

That is why I went out shopping a few days ago and bought a super cute outfit that I can't wait to wear once I get better! My motivation now is to be able to look happy, healthy, comfortable, and beautiful in my clothes! Every time that I struggle with ED thoughts or eating I just remind myself that each step I take in ignoring ED will just get me closer and closer to recovery and closer to being able to wear all my clothes!

Last night I tried on the dress with all of the accesories and showed my mom. Yeah I know you are probably thinking why I did that! Well I decided to show her because I felt this impulse all of a sudden as I was just so happy in myself that I WANT to 100% recover and be able to wear this outfit soon! When I think of how good my life will be after I recover I get in such a good mood and can't wait to recover each day and become that much closer to beating ED. I know it may sound weird but it's true for me!

I showed my mom the outfit and I told her how good I would look in this outfit with more weight on me and she began to smile and cry at the same time because she obvs loved the outfit but more importantly she was happy to hear that I finally realized how I need to gain weight not only to look normal in clothes but more importantly to be HEALTHY!

But like I said yesterday in my post I just keep taking it day by day and that is the only way to do it!

What motivates you these days?!

Day by Day

Hello petunias and Happy Friday! If you can't already tell by my post title, but my motto these days has been "day by day" meaning I am taking each day...day by day! Pretty self explainatory if you ask me. I have learn to just take each day as a brand new day and not dwell on the past or worry about the future but more importantly focus on the PRESENT!

Eats lately... Purely O's are just like Cheerios but smaller and more air-y. The only thing I don't like about them is they tend to get quite soggy when mixed in my yogurt messes. No biggie, I will survive and still eat them ;)Obviously I have been eating yogurt messes pretty much erryday!Strawberry Yoplait was dynamite (since I am listening to this song as I type this). I loved how thick it was and the strawberry flavor!Strawberry banana yogurt mess in a jarSo I am pretty sure I have a new found love of making omelets..and obviously eating them ;) This is a broccoli and cheese egg omelet with an english muffin topped with strawberry jam. Omelets will never get old because they are packed with protein, quick and easy to make, and most importantly tastyyy.

I definitely have been getting in my fair share of healthy fats and peanut butters in my snacks lately.

Lunches have been pretty typical of me. Either turkey & cheese or tuna & cheese and you can probably tell that I am lovin' pears right now. Just sayin'. But there was one day when I did have a juicy peach ;)

I must say this past week I have been working real hard on my dinner meals since they always seem to be a problem for me. I have been cooking more and more of my meals and eating different foods as well.

Now something I have NOT had in a longgg time (probs since before my ED) is Mac & Cheese. Oh how I used to love it and it is defs still a staple food in my house these days for my younger sis.

I found this package of Annie's White Cheddar Mac & Cheese of individual servings and decided to give them a try. I thought I would do better with the individual packets rather than the box and then having to figure out how much to have and such, I thought this would be easier but still yet a challenge.
I know this may sound like a shocker but I have never had any of Annie's products before! I know can you believe that?! Well I sure can't because I have defs been missing out on a lot of delish foods. This mac & cheese was great and I loved the white cheddar cheese! To pump up my mac & cheese I added a can of tuna! It may sound weird but it was delish. This was the first time I have ever had Tuna Mac & cheese and I don't know where I got the idea but I must have seen it somewhere before and decided to give it a try and it was a great combo together. I will defs be re-creating this meal again but next time I am gonna add some broccoli! I am getting hungry just thinking about it.

Tonight I went out with my younger sis and cousin to Chili's for dinner.

We started with the usual chips & salsa which I actually took part in and ate this time! We go to Chili's quite frequently and ever since my ED I would never have any chips. I would only just eat my meal because ED told me I didn't need any chips before my meal but yet again what does he know. I was very proud of myself for eating the chips before my meal rather than sitting there watching everyone else at the table eat them. I definitely had my fair shair of chips and salsa tonight!

For my meal I ordered the NEW Carribean Salad with Grilled Shrimp. Fresh pineapple, mandarian oranges, dried cherries, green onions, cilantro, sesame seeds and honey-lime dressing. It was the prefect summer salad and yum is all I have to say!

Ta-ta my lovies and have a great night and weekend!

Be in it

Hey lovie pies! I hope you all had a great weekend! I know I did because I spent my time visiting the ones I love while enjoying the beautiful summer weather :)

So let me rewind back a few days and fill ya in!

As I was finally felling better after having the stomach bug my mom and I went to visit my grammy at her house since she just had surgery last week. Of course it wouldn't be a complete week if I didn't have lunch with her ;) Since she didn't really feel like going out we instead got take out from a local Irish pub.

I got very anxious and nervous beforehand because since we weren't at the restaurant there wasn't a menu for me to check out and view the food. I ordered the baked haddock and hoped that I would enjoy it.

As soon as I opened up the container ED began to freak out and immediately told me I could NOT eat that piece of fish because of the "mysterious" sauce that was all over it. I just looked at it took a deep breath and told ED to shut up and that I was going to eat and enjoy my meal.

My lunch also came with a side of rice and coleslaw. I was hoping it would have came with a veggie but it didn't and there was nothing I could do about it then. I also had two mini rolls as well. And yes I did say coleslaw and yes I did eat every single bite of it. That's right! Restaurant made coleslaw made! It was very scary for me to eat it because I didn't know exactly what was in it, how many calories in it, or how exactly it fit into my meal plan. But who cares besides ED? Well certainly not me because I just ate it!
After this meal I kind of regretted eating everything because after looking at it ED told me it was too much and I was fat and was now a part of the Clean Plate Club! But I ignored his irrational thoughts and told myself as I am in recovery it is very important that I am eating everything I am required to and that I am follow my meal plan.

Saturday morning arrived and we were off to CT to visit my cousins with my mom, sisters,and cousin!
Before we left I had a yogurt mess of Yoplait Greek, MG Cheerios, banana, and Teddie's pb.Snackin' on the road was necessary. I had a pack of peanut butter crackers and these remind me of my childhood so much. Who else would take the crackers apart and lick the pb off and then eat the crackers?!

After 2 1/2 hours of driving we stopped to grab some lunch at Vavala's Deli before arriving at my cousin's house.
Valvala's was a cute lil deli shop which was super crowded when we got there so I knew it was popular.My uncle said they had great subs and sandwiches and let me tell you they sure did!This sandwich was loaded with Boar's Head turkey, american cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes. It was so big I could barely fit it in my mouth (TWSS). I also had pretzels as well.

We finally arrived at my cousin's house and it was so nice to finally visit them in their new home!

I was greeted by this little bull dog, Rosie! and a pantry that was stocked just like a Trader Joe's store! Umm so when can I move in?! Hah.We hung out at the beach for the afternoon since it was so beautiful out and snacked on a packet of peanuts. The beach was a blast with my family and cousins :)When my aunt asked us what we wanted for dinner and my mom replied with chinese food I wanted to punch her in the face. Of course I really did NOT want to, but ED sure made me want to. I haven't had chinese food ever since I developed my ED and it has definitely and still is a big fear food. I am afraid of it since it is such a different type of food and I never know what the food will look like. I like the feeling of knowing what my food is going to look like and I feel like Chinese food is always kind of a mystery. But then when I acutally see a certain dish that is presented I never thought of it looking like that. I don't know if that makes any sense but that is just how I feel! I never know how exaclty it fits into my meal plan, if I am eating enough or too much, and I also hate how most of the foods are cooked with unknown sauces that ED tells me to stay away from and overall Chinese food just puts me over the edge! I hate it.

Luckily my aunt did have a take out menu for us to look at which was definitely helpful so I could see what they had to offer. My mom knew Chinese food is hard for me and I kind of think she requested it on purpose (Thanks mom!). Acutally, I know she did it on purpose! Ha. Well it may have been a good idea because I am going to have to get over the fear of chinese food sometime or another and why not be now then later!

I am pretty sure I analyzed the menu for a good solid ten minutes figuring out what I wanted. My mom told me I was going to eat what was being ordered and not have a special meal. Eek!The place we ordered out from, Tengda was more of an Asian Bistro reataurant so it offered both Asian and Chinese dishes.

Once I saw what we ordered I felt a major sense of relief because I saw foods that I knew I could handle eating! I just always think of Chinese food as being greasy heavy food like lo mein noodles, crab rangoons, beef/chicken on a stick etc. But I know there are other healthier options I can also choose from as well.
I had some pineapple shrimp, steamed broccoli, and whole grain rice! Times this plate about twice. OMG! Have you ever had or even heard of pinepple shrimp before?! Well I certaintly had not and let me tell you I loved it! It was cooked shrimp mixed with pineapples, onions, and peppers all mixed in a sweet sauce. I will be on the look out for this the next time I order Chinese!

After a late fun Saturday night with my cousins Sunday morning arose and it was breakfast time as well as Father's Day! My uncle got an iPad that my aunt hunted down all over Manhattan for! Can you say jealous?!

My aunt told me she loves Almond milk and doesn't drink cow's milk so I decided to give it a try and let me tell you it was...yuck! I was not a big fan of it. Perhaps it was since it was unsweetened but it tasted totally different from regular cow's milk that I am used to. So at last, I stuck with a glass of Organic cow's milk.
I also found this guy in the fridge and gave it a try as well. But again it was yuck! I have seen this pb at TJ's before and of course my aunt had it since she pretty much has everything from Trader Joe's ;) This pb was very grainy since it contained flaxseed and was crunchy. I was not a fan so I stuck with the jar of Justin's nut butter from the pantry.Yoplait Greek yogurt (which they had as well!), MG Cheerios and banana topped with Justin's and a glass of milk.

My aunt is all about living a healthy lifestyle which I LOVE! She has two lil cute kids, works, and exercises! Oh did I mention she like to shops?! Hah! She is a fit woman eats healthy and well, indulges in treats, and does not obsess or worry about her weight. She works out regularly and is a woman who I look up to so much :) Visiting her this weekend really got me motivated to recover from my ED!

The reason we went to CT was to visit my cousin's new house and for my sister's lax tourney on Sunday. Lunch was eaten back at my cousin's house and then the rest of the day was spent watching my sister's five lacrosse games in the scorching heat!

Snack was a serving of a trail mix from Trader Joe's that I took from my cousin's house. I used to avoid away from the mixes that contained chocolate and such but now I don't! This mix contain almonds, peanuts, raisins, and M & M's!

After a long day filled with lacrosse it was ready to hit the road back home. We grabbed dinner at a service center where I picked up a Southwest Grilled Chicken salad with romaine lettuce, corn, black beans, tomatoes, pepper, cheese and tortilla strips! I also had a bag of pretzels as well. We got home around 11pm and even though I usually have my evening snack well before that I still managed to have it. My ED voice kept telling me not to have it since it was too late but I ignored him and enjoyed a frozen Vanilla Boost.

Yesterday morning was the first day of summer and I enjoyed a yogurt mess for breakfast.Yoplait Greek yogurt, Honey Nut Cheerios, banana, and Teddie's peanut butter with a glass of milk.

I then had my therapy appointment which went very well! I really do love her and enjoy working with her. We talked about a lot of stuff like focusing on the present and not worrying about the future because there is nothing I can do about the future now! What I need to do is to focus on the present and then the future will take care of itself. We also talked about being IN IT. I need to be in recovery and not hanging out with ED because he will get me no where!Afterwards I went to pick up a few things at the store, bananas, apples, pears, turkey, yogurt, Lipton Iced tea packets, Purely O's Cascadian Farms for only $2.99! and PB & Co. The Bee's Knees!Lunch was a wheat turkey panini with american cheese and sliced pears with pretzels and the rest of the pear on the side.PM snack was TJ's trail mix again. It is an addiction!Baked salmon, rice, broccoli, and a roll with butter.

Now on to dinner!Last week I picked up some frozen salmon from Trader Joe's and decided to cook it up tonight. When it comes to dinner time I usually just want something quick and easy to make so I can eat it so I don't have to do any thinking about what to make and over analyze it! I have always and still struggle with dinner meals which is why I tend to buy frozen meals for dinner since they just need to be heated up and there is no thinking involved.

But last night since I had the kitchen to myself I decided to take the time and cook my own dinner! I pan fried the salmon on the stove top and drizzeld some olive oil and seasoning on top and cooked 5 minutes on both sides. I was so proud of myself for not having a frozen dinner and was able to cook my own dinner! I really loved it and that is why I am going to stray away from frozen entrees and cook more of my own dinner meals!

I know it may sound weird but I was very proud of myself for cooking my own dinner without relying on frozen meals or my mom to make me dinner. I can't wait to cook more of my own dinner meals :)

Whew! Well that was a long post and if you got through it all then give yourself a lil pat on the back! Have a great Tuesday and I am off to enjoy the summer weather!