What a day

Monday, February 15, 2010

Wow, what a day did I have!

But before I tell you what went on this morning I will give you a quick recap of some of my eats from Valentine's Day.

Morning snack: Vanilla Boost and Kashi Trail Mix bar.
Lil Valentine's Day gift from momma ;)Lunch: Boca burger with american cheese on whole wheat bread with pretzels, an apple, and milk.Afternoon consisted of baking heart shaped Valentine's brownies!
Afternoon snack: Bluberry Crisp Clif Bar. I didn't remember this bar having walnuts in it?!Dinner: Cheeseburger on whole wheat bread with sweet potatoe fries and milk.My evening snack last night was a Butter Pecan Boost while watching The Amazing Race!

Alright so let me get back to TODAY. Okay so I have been pretty quiet and really didn't talk about this or tell anyone (besides my family). But I will tell you all right now. Last Thursday I actually was sent home on medical leave to pursue more medical treatment before returing back to school. I wasn't doing well at all for the past two weeks while back at school. Now they (Health Services) made it very clear to me when I did return to school this semester at a very low weight they were quite serious and I was flat out told I could NOT afford to lose any more weight or else I would be sent home again, but this time for the semester. They were very serious and were not willing to keep playing these games.

I honestly thought once I returned back to school everything was going to be okay and I was going to be able to kind of just slid by. Well well well that was so NOT the case as I found out last Thursday. So I went home after my classes last Friday and Health Services made it very clear to both me and my mom I was not able to return back to campus without going to in-patient treatment, so that would mean I would be done with school for the semester. How could I do this and why did I make it come down to this?!

So once home this weekend I did very well eating wise and I was determined to get back to school again this semester and stop playing these foolish games and get my LIFE back. I thought I was just going to come back up on campus this morning with my dad and have Karen weigh me and check my vitals and blood pressure and everything would be all grand and I would be able to return back to school. Haha, yeah right Jenna! I don't know what I was thinking but that was basically the exact opposite of what happened.

To make it short and plus I really don't want to share all of the details with you since they are personal, but after three hours of talking with lots of people at the college I am here to stay for the rest of the semester and can I just say I LOVE MY DAD!!!

The rest of the semester is going to be very hard for me but I am willing to do whatever it takes! I know I keep saying this time and time again, but this IS IT! No more playing these games and going around and around in circles, this time I am climbing up the ladder and there is no coming back down.

After a very long and stressful morning my dad and I were ready for some lunch so we headed on over to the dining hall. I had a turkey and american cheese wheat wrap with Sour Cream & Onion Pop Chips, a pear, and milk.
Then I said good bye to my dad and thanked him SO MUCH! I honestly would be at home this afternoon if it weren't for him!

I then headed off to my Microbiology Lab this afternoon and then I snacked on this new bar, Kashi Oatmeal Walnut Roll! Bar.
I was very excited to try this bar since it was something different and have seen it on many blogs. I thought this bar had a great flavor but it was very chewy and left a weird after taste!
The inside of the bar was a chewy nougat oatmeal flavored and surrounded by chocolate fudge rolled in toasted almonds, soy crisps, and whole grains.
Overall this bar was okay but I am glad I tried it because it was something different!

I am sorry I wrote a novel today but I just needed to get everything off my chest to let you all now what is going on.

Oh yes I could not forget! My goal for the day is to eat dinner at the dining hall with my girls :)



Anna said...

Jenna: don't feel badly EVER about sharing your feelings and struggles on this blog. We are here to support you and we WANT to know how you are doing mentally. I really hope that you can stay for the rest of the semester at school; we're all rooting for ya!

I know you'll have a great time at dinner :)

Meghan said...

I'm really glad that you get to STAY at school. I know how hard it is to have to come to that low scary point to get it through your head that YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. but you can. We know you can.

And I think i'm going to steer clear of that bar!

brunettewalksintoabar said...

Glad you're able to stay st school! Sometimes things like these are blessings in disguise, as they give us the wake up call we need :)

mariposai said...

I'm glad you got the outcome you wanted, but remember health is always number one priority. Education will always wait, but your body might not.

Look after yourself lovely

Sarah x

PS I'm a big fan of pretzels - they make a great snack :-)

peaceluvmunchies said...

I'm glad you had a great Valentine's Day, girl -- and I wish you nothing but the best with your health. <3 <3 <3

Amanda said...

You are so adorable! I'm so glad you are doing well, and quite jealous of your valentines treats! Awesome girl! Have a great night!

Tia said...

butter pecan boost! wow ive never heard of that. my boost world consists of vanilla, choc and strawberry. BORING!!! I gotta get me some butter pecan. Oh, and some of your delish Vday brownies too. :)

Anonymous said...

maybe if you eat all your meals (well I know breakfast would be hard) with people... That could keep you accountable.

givinganythingbutup.wordpress.com said...

Jenna- I am praying for you every day. Like I said before on Twitter, take one hour at a time. Dont be scared to indulge. A good chcolate sundae or pancakes is good for the heart and soul :)
All I can say is that this is hard, I can promise you that. but it's also something you CAN do. God doesnt give you more than you can handle. But what worries me most is that you're going to miss out on your college experience, and it is by far one of the BEST times of your life. Hands down. I was at my all time low in college as well...but at the end of the day, creating those memories at a good restaurant or bar with my friends is something I wouldnt give up for anything.
The best thing you can do is just LIVE. Go with the flow, eat when it looks good, eat when you're hungry and even when you're not.
Your brain needs energy, your life needs fuel. You will be so much happier when you give your tummy some lovin.
You are a gorgeous girl inside and out, you CAN do this! I got your back :)

Let me know if you ever need anything :)


Gabriela said...

Wow, Jenna.
You´re right - what a day!
But I´m so glad you´ll be able to stay in college. You´re so lucky!
And, looking through the brighter side, now you have a strong motivation to gain weight. You know you really can´t afford to loose any more pounds or you´ll be send back home!
But I´m glad you´re ok. Your Dad definetely loves you, and wants the best for you ;)
Brazilian XOXO´s,

Anonymous said...

oh boy jenna....I don't even know what to say. I will be hoping for the best for you!

Anonymous said...

i really hate to say this but I really think you should be in patient. Even though it seems like you are doing better with your eats, you are still having some disordered thoughts. Did you enjoy one of those brownies? It all makes me so sad, Jenna. You come first. School will always be there.

funfashionista said...

oh jenna i feel for you! i was pulled out of school first semester after 5 weeks. i was at such a low weight and wasnt seeing anyone at my health service center but i had weight myself and knew that if i didnt get help so i would be putting my life in more danger than it already was. i finally called my mom and went home. it has been so hard. but i know if i went back i would do anythng to stay there. i know you can do it girl! do it for all those people who love you, prove all the health service people who doubt you wrong and just do it! i love you!!!

lindsey said...

i'm so sorry about what happened jenna, but i'm glad everything worked out! keep it up, you are a beautiful stong girl!

and i'm with you on eating with your girls tonight :)

♥ lindsey

moretolifethanlettuce said...

aww jenna i knew you were having a hard time but i didn't realize things were so bad! thank goodness for your dad, it sounds like you got a second chance at staying in school which is great! i really hope you can keep up with your recovery this time around, i'm sending you lots of good vibes! <3 u

balancingfoodandlife said...

Those sweet p. fries look so crisp and delicious!
Mind telling me how you made them?
xox Vera

Anonymous said...

oh jenna please check into rehab. You are only harming yourself!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Jenna, but I agree with your school. Your parents want to see you happy and might be afraid to accept the severity of your eating disorder but you really have to put your health first. Why fight treatment if you want to get better? Everyone is telling you it is what you need.

Jess said...

You said it yourself, you're sliding by, playing games-why not do what they are recommending? I took time off school when I had to and it was the best thing. Going back to school under these conditions-trying to go from where you are, which is a relapse, to nourishing yourself and dealing with the ed thoughts and feelings, and anxiety and school on top if it is just too much and your school can clearly see that. It seems they are watching out for you. I really think you should rethink things and talk to your parents about it-eating disorder recovery isnt' as easy as just going home one weekend and eating with your family, you know that.

Jess said...

Also, wouldn't it be better to go get the help you need and then the follow-up support w/ your family and go back to school in the Fall? It would be the best investment of your time.

I'm sad for you.


Ashlei said...

Good luck girl! I know you can overcome this! Just always keep your eye on the goal: to be healthy!!!

learningtocookeatandenjoydeliciousfood said...

Good luck, these next few weeks will NOT be easy and I hope you know that you have ALL of us in the blogging community here to help you make it to your goal of recovery and life. If you ever feel like you are struggling... let it out and dont keep it in because secrets keep you sick and in your disease. If you ever need someone to talk to about recovery... you can always email me because I have been through this too. I have been in and out of treatment many times and I am finally in recovery after seven years of struggle!! GOOD LUCK!! ;)

Healthy. Happy. Well. said...

OOh I haven't tried blueberry clif bars yet, I think I've tried all the other flavors though, I'll put them on my to-do list!

pen said...

I'm so sorry that the past few weeks have been such a struggle for you; but, it's great to have your Dad in your corner like that. Good luck on the road a head, you can totally do it!

solclare said...

Yes your sweet potato fries look awesome!

Thankfully you're able to stay in school! Happy for you! Wish you all the best in recovery, stay strong! :D

xoxo, Solange

Anonymous said...

Seriously you are playing with fire. You say you are so motivated and then eat the EXACT same thing. Just jump in, recovery is what you make it.

KP said...

I agree with so many of the posts and hope you go get the help you need and deserve. a weekend here and there isn't going to magically make this crap go away, trust me. Go get the help you need and spend an enjoyable summer resting, laughing and recovering with your family. Or, fight the system and fight to stay in school week to week -and you know you are only going to end up in the same place. you're in massachusetts, right? Cambridge has a good place, there's a great place in Medford called Laurel Hill Inn, or maybe go to Remuda-take the time NOW. You struggled this weekend and said how your sister helped you through dinner-you want to lead by example, so do that. Go do what you need to do. I pray you willl.

Hoping the best for you.

la said...

Jenna, thank nyou so much for sharing. You know, sometimes we really just need a major shock to the system to wake us up and set us straight. I'm less likely to evaluate my current circumstances until someone out there gives me a stern talking to. The closer you are, the harder it is to see I guess? Also it's soooo much easier to slide under the radar when there aren't people up your butt watching you all the time, personal accountability is so complicated!!

You're very lucky to have such supportive parents, and although it may seem crappy, you're also fortunate to have the health center looking out for you. I always wish I had a stronger base of support.

Wishing you the best <3 <3

Jessica @ The Process of Healing said...

So sorry to hear about that but you can do it girl!!! You've got it in you! And you've got all these people pulling for you...

Jess said...

I love those kashi roll bars! I'm so glad your daddy came to your rescue. Dads are the best <3

<3 jess

Trying To Heal said...

Thanks for visiting my blog beautiful! I'm glad you found it, and I now get to read yours!

Don't ever be afraid to reach out to us in the blog world. in my recovery i have found blog friends to be the most supportive and get me through some of the worst times i've ever had.

I'm so glad to hear you'll be staying the remainder of the semester and I know you'll stay strong enough for it!

Molls said...

Girl, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I am more than confident you are strong enough to make it through the semester at school. Very glad your dad/you were able to convince the school to allow you to stay and continue your studies this semester.


struggling20something said...

I'm sorry that things are going so rough. I wish I could help, but can only offer my prayers. Take care of yourself and listen to your body.

Andrea @ CanYouStayForDinner.com said...

This post was really beautiful because of your honesty. Just from reading your blog for a little while now, I can feel how badly you want to be well. You are so strong and brave. Please know that I believe in you and your ability to heal yourself. If you ever need to chat, please contact me. It's going to get easier, girl, keep your head up

*Andrea* said...

good luck girl! your daddy sounds like he has your back :) you can do it!!!

findinghappinessandhealth said...

jenna i really hope this is the right decision for you. i am truly worried, and though i know it isn't my place, i think uknow my opinion :) wiht that being said, i support you and you know i'm only a text away
love ya

balancemycake said...

Aw Jenna. I'm really scared for you. I can only imagine what must be going on in your head (what a struggle!) and your body. I think maybe it's time to listen to your school's professionals and your doctors and stop reisting those that actually want to help you.

It's hard to read one of these posts about "not doing so well these past few weeks"....every two weeks. Honestly, I don't think I've seen more then 2 weeks go by lately without a post of this sort. It's really hard to see because you're such a wonderful girl. I hope only the best for you.

Alyson said...

You're amazing, your strength through all of this just makes my heart melt. So glad you found my blog and I get to follow you now. I have no doubt that you will rock this semester! Don't listen to the negative people out there. I started to get better when I look at myself and literally said "what the hell am I doing, this is just silly." No one else is in control but you, they don't know, you do.

On a completely different note, I was also disappointed with Kashi Roll bars. I guess since I adore almost all of their other products, I had high expectations. Have a wonderful Tuesday :)

Astra Libris said...

Thank you so much for having the courage to share your struggles and your strength with us... Please know we're cheering for you across blog-land!!

I've been quite curious about the Kashi Roll bars - I'm glad you warned me about the funny taste! :-) I loooove the Kashi trail mix bars, though... and your sweet potato fries look SO delicious! :-)

Anonymous said...

I was in the same place a few years ago in college. I kept saying I could get better while in school. I couldn't. It was too hard. You need support in recovery. You need time off. You need to be surrounded by people helping you, encouraging you, challenging you, and eating with you. It is okay to leave. You need to get better. If you are stuck in a rut eating the same basic foods every single day, you are still giving anorexia control. If you are choosing foods like Kashi Go Lean, you are still giving anorexia control. That is not to say you aren't trying your hardest, but it is a wake up call that you need more intensive help. You may be doing the very best you can, but it might not be enough to get better. You may be challenging yourself, but this may be over your head. Take care of yourself. You are worth it!

ktbwood said...

what a DAY girl!!! you are doing amazing. praying for you at school. PLEASE know that it would be totally okay for you to take a semester off for yourself-this is soo important. the longer you stay at a low weight, the more screwed up your body is FOREVER, it will never ever be the same. please get healthy, your future depends on it! love you

kickitwoman said...

glad you are able to stay at school - it seems your dad (and famiy) REALLY believes in you, which will give you more strength to get back on track. you can do it, girl.

Marika said...

It's so good that you have wonderful people in your life supporting you. Remember that and I know it'll give you strength to get your life back!
I used to really like those Kashi GoLean bars with chewy nougat centers, but you're right, they do leave a bit of a funny aftertaste.

loveofbreakfast said...

i will be thinking about and send you good vibes ladybug! remember, you are totally worth it. treat your body well and take care of yourself. your family clearly loves you very much and you've got lots of support on this blog. be good to yourself!

Kelly @ Healthy Passion said...

Hang in there Jenna! You are a strong young lady and you have to keep telling yourself that every single day!

Allyson said...

Oh wow Jenna, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm glad you got to stay in school and I'm hoping you can use that as motivation to more foreward with recovery. I'll be thinking of you. Best of luck with dinner tonight Let loose, enjoy yourself.

On lighter note, I LOVE Kashi Rolls!! They remind me of candy bars!

tessa said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog chica!
I'll fo sho follow yours :)
I'm glad your back in school if thats what will make you happy and healthy!

So I've always wanted to try the blueberry crisp clif bar BUT I didn't know it had walnuts in it... mmm questionable.

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