Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Happy Saturday :) I hope you all had a great Friday night as I took the night off from blogging! Lemme know what you all did, I wanna know! I went to my middle sister's basketball game with my mom last night. Yes I know, I went with my mom! Can you believe it?! We actually started speaking to each other yesterday morning as we realized we weren't getting anywhere giving each other the silent treatment.

She got mad at me yesterday when she found out I went to both my doctor and nutritionist appointment without her on Wednesday. Since I was mad at her then I didn't want her to come with me (although she really shoud have considering my health!) But I was being stubborn and thought I would get back at her by going by myself. Well that kind of backfired yesterday when she found out and went A-wall on me! I mean honestly I really didn't want her to come because all she was going to do was bash on me the whole time and tell them the truth about what was really going on with me and of course I did NOT want them. But again, now that I think of it she really should have came with me, because she is my mom!

Last night I took the night off from blogging to do some thinking about some personal issues. You are all probably wondering what is going on with me and I will tell you!

So here it goes...

If you have been reading my blog for quite some time you know I have been struggling a bit for the past few months. Lately I have been getting a lot of anonymous comments saying I need to get more help but I kind of just brushed it off and thought nothing of it. I told myself I could do it by myself and I will get the help I need while at home over winter break.

My blog hasn't been quite the same as it was when I first started. I haven't really been posting a lot of foodie pics lately and my blogging has really been blah to say the least. I really just didn't have the energy and desire to blog.

Well the reason is because I have been struggling with my ED and I need to be honest with you all. I was doing really well at the beginning of the semester and then towards the end I started to slip and didn't really think anything of it. Before I went on winter break, Health Services at my college knew going home was going to be very hard and stressful for me. They told me to take care of myself and get the care I need over winter break because they were all very concerned and nervous for me. Well again I just ignored them and thought I could do it on myself. But of course we all now you can't always do it by yourself. Sometimes you need to bite the bullet and get the help you really need...and that is what I did not do!

So this past Wednesday I had an appointment with my primary doctor and she cleared me to go back to school although under strict circumstances. We came up with a plan that I would be weighed in weekly and have therapy weekly at college. I was glad she gave me the a-okay to go back! Now all my doctor had to do was let Health Services know I could come back to school and she did. Everything (I thought) was going smoothly!

Then, last night I got an e-mail from the director at Health Services saying I need to seek more medical treatment before returning to school this semester. WHAT?! I though I was cleared to go back. What was going on?! When I got this e-mail I was at my sister's basketball game I wanted to burst out crying. I thought my doctor cleared me and everything was fine, but I guess I was wrong. Even though my doctor gave me the okay to go back to school, Health Services told me they cannot provide enough support for me while at school and I need to get more intense treatment. At this point I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to tell my mom because we were out in public and I don't think it would have been the appropriate time. I was freaking out! All I could think about was what was going to happen to me! Was she really serious? Was she really not letting me back at school?! I thought about school and how I couldn't afford to take another semester off.

I started freaking out so I called my girl Meg and she helped calmed me down a bit. All last night I couldn't sleep and just kept thinking about what was going to happen. It was a horrible night!

This morning I called everyone from my doc, nurse practioner, nutritionist, and so on to try and figure everything out so I would be allowed to go back to school tomorrow. Things were looking good until this afternoon until the director of Health Services called me to let me know she was very concerned about me and I needed to go in-patient before returning back to campus. Immediately as I talked to her I started balling my eyes out and my mind was going in every direction. I had NO idea what I was going to do.

She later called and talked to my mom who was out with my sister and told her what was happening. My mom then called me back and was actually very calm and told me she knew this was going to happen to me but I just didn't listen to her before. And to tell you the truth, she was so RIGHT! She was the one person who said at the beginning of winter break I needed to go back in-patient because she knew I wasn't doing well. But again, I just ignored her and thought everything was going to be okay. Why didn't I listen to her and why are moms ALWAYS right?

So enough babbling on about what has happened in these crazy 24 hours, I will cut to the chase and tell you what I am planning on doing. Since I need to seek intense medical treatment NOT only to be able to go back to school but to be able to live a healthy lifestyle and get back on track, I would like to let you all know I will be starting in-patient treatment this Monday at Walden Behavioral Care where I spent four weeks last March 2009. I honestly NEVER thought I would have to go back but right now it is definitely what I need to do for myself.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same thing.

After spending more than an hour crying this afternoon, I wasted no time and called Walden Behavioral myself. Since it is the weekend, I have an intake assesment tomorrow afternoon and then a clinical evaluation on Monday.

Now that I have practically written a book for you to read, I just had to get that off my chest and let you all know what is going on. I will continue to read blogs until I leave and I will write one last post before as well :)

I hope you all understand where I am coming from and I appreciate all the support everyone has given me and it means the WORLD to me!

Love you all xoxo



Kiersten said...

Though of course I hate to hear it has come to this, I am very, VERY glad you aren't fighting the recommendation of the professionals. One thought for you-would you consider a place like CEDC or Laurel Hill? Their programs are wonderful and you might as well invest your time in the BEST program you can. Perhaps you can go to Walden on Monday and transfer to LHI or CEDC where you could do some real work for a couple months. You are right, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. It sounds like your mom has just been very concerned. I wish you all the best. Kiersten

Anonymous said...

I am so relieved to read this.
You CAN do this girl. I've been there and I will be there for YOU, please feel free to e-mail me!! Trust me: this is the right things. Take good care, xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

Anonymous said...

jenna- i am so proud of you for taking the responsibility and getting the help you need. you are going to thrive after this & be able to truly live your life. i will be thinking of you and hope we can keep in touch. i am so glad you are gettin gthis help because i was genuinely worried about you. you can beat this :-D you are so worth it!!!


Anonymous said...

you dont understand how happy it makes me that you are finally getting the help that you need. i was worried about you! just think of it as a starting over point and forget everything from the past. be strong, you can do this! so glad things are finally beginning to work out! think about it as a starting over strings attached, a clean slate. youve got this!!

Gabriela said...

Oh my goodness, Jenna, I cannot say how happy I am that you made this decision :) We've all been so worried about you! I know you can do this! It may be a struggle, but we're all here to support you. You're an awesome girl and you deserve to be happy and's time to get rid of ED for good! I'm in awe of your courage in admitting this to us, and I wish you the best of luck at Walden! Big big hugs girl!

itsawrapteacher said...

The best of luck to you my dear and your health. You have so much support behind you!

Katie said...

Hey girl!!!

Just get better and take care of yourself, you have alot of wonderful friends/bloggers who support you!!!! I wish you the best always!!

SO glad you and your mom are talking again too!!!

Have a great night! xoxo

Kiersten said...

P.S. I shuld have started my comment by telling you how relieved I am to read this entry, and I think you will find you will get a lot of support about your decision to seek treatment. So when Ed tells you that you shouldn't be in treatment, or you don't need it-remember all the words of encouragement you are getting. Kiersten

Abby (Abbys Vegan Eats) said...

I wish you nothing but happiness and good health!

Anonymous said...

So proud of you for going back!! <3 Sometimes it's so hard to admit that we DO in fact need help. Soo much love, and put yourself before the blog--- do what you need to do! We'll be around whenever you feel like comin' back. :)

Anonymous said...

I am SO glad you're getting help...but beyond that I feel that now, you really are doing it for YOU. Recognizing it is the BIGGEST step. and I know how hard it is. In this post alone I have already seen such HUGE steps being made by you. I KNOW you can do it this time girly. I really really do. You seem stronger, your mom seems to understand (even if its just a little bit more) I think you are in the perfect mindset right now to handle all this.
Just know that I am rooting and prayin for ya! Cant wait to hear back from you in a month to see how you're doing!

xo- Molly

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog for quite some time now, and I've really enjoyed reading it. I just want to tell you how PROUD I am of you for being so willing to get help. I've also been dealing with e.d. and have been struggling the past couple of months, and have been debating getting help. I know how incredibly difficult it is to get help, but you did it! You truly are an inspiration. You are so strong, and I know that you will be able to beat this! We are all cheering you on!

Anonymous said...

i know this is an unbelievably hard thing for you, and it's frustrating and scary to not be allowed back to school yet, but i know you need to get the level of care you need! focus on getting well, i know you can do it. moms tend to be right about most everything, don't they? i'm glad yours is being supportive despite your differences lately. aww jenna, you're in my thoughts. i hope that inpatient is really helpful and that you make the most out of your time there. <3 u!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Here are some quotes to bring with you (in your head and in your heart) They help me daily!:

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, 
and when it comes, hold your head high, 
look it in the eye and say, "I will be bigger than you. 
You cannot defeat me." -- Anon.

"I’m putting one foot in front of the other, I’m not giving up… I plan on looking you full in the face…"
Psalm 17:5,15

Until a person takes responsibility for where he is, there is no basis for moving on. The bad news is that the past was in your hands, but the good news is that the future, my friend, is also in your hands. -Andy Andrews, The Traveler's Gift 

..and this one is form me to you!:
"She is my friend. She's my family. My insides. She will be fine because she has to be fine. That's how important she is to me."- Sex & the City

Anonymous said...

Wow Jenna. Thanks so much for opening up and being honest with us all. We all appreciate it so much. I am so happy you are doing the right thing for yourself. Please stay strong and hang in there! We are all here for you and want the best for you!

mayapamela525 said...

If you feel that this is the best thing for you to do, despite how difficult is is, than it sounds like it is definitely the right path.

Best of luck! Thanks for commenting on my blog!

katie anne said...

hey i sent u a message on twitter! hope u got it! i luv u and am sooo proud and inspired by ur decision! xoxoxo

Michelle (Snacks and Field) said...

I'm so proud of you for this post... It TAKES A LOT to realize this about yourself and admit to it- As long as you listen to your doctors, nutritionist, and your MOM you are gonna be fine- it just takes time but everything is gonna be okay, everything happens for a reason, so it's probably for the best you aren't cleared to go back to school just yet- but soon enough it will all work out :)

Gabriela said...

You´re right, Jenna.
Sometimes, the right thing IS the hardest thing.
And I´m proud of you, for making this decision by yourself. I don´t think I´ll ever have the guts to do that.
I´m under pressure to gain weight too - but it´s all about the trip my Mom and I are taking. The trip that has been already paid.
But not going back to school is so much worse. I know that.
So, thanks, Jenna. Thanks for sharing your story, and thanks for making me see the real truth.
My parents are not saying I must gain weight with no reason. They´re doing it because they know what´s best for me. Because they love me.
And your story just made me realize that.
Thanks, again. You just changed my life.
Kisses from Brazil,

One Healthy Apple said...

Lots of luck to you. I hope that you can be well and back to life and school soon! You are in my thoughts :)

Krista said...

You're absolutely right that the hardest things are also the right things. Nothing worth having has ever been easy to get. But how proud you will be once you can get things back under control again. Let those around you help make the journey an easier one...(((HUGS)))

Jasmine @ Eat Move Write said...

Oh girl. You are so brave to be so honest about this issue. I'm so glad you're seeking help. You can do it, girly. Good luck.

Trying To Heal said...

Thanks for visiting my blog!

I'm sad to hear that you're not doing well and are going to have to go inpatient again, but I'm happy to know that you realize you need to do it to be able to attend school again and get better. but make sure to make the later the most important: you need to seek help to make you better. school will always be there, but your health could take a dive and you only have one life.

I hope that everything goes well inpatient and can't wait for you to come back!

*Andrea* said...

so sorry jenna that things aren't going 100% smoothly :/ you are most definitely in my thoughts and prayers. you CAN get through this!! i did (through therapy/nutritionist/good friends) and i know many others in this blogging community have. just trust yourself and keep your eyes on the prize (corny i know) which is HEALTH and HAPPINESS! you're mom may have lashed out early thisbreak in an inappropriate way (my mom did the same to me in highschool) but it's definitely out of love. i know you can do this! you're beautiful and smart and have a best friend and siblings and a family to be thankful for and to support you. good luck girl xoxo

Anonymous said...

You are SUCH a strong and wonderful young woman Jenna...I'm glad to hear that you are accepting the help you need. We will ALL be here praying for you and supporting you as you get this treatment.


sophia said...

Oh Jenna. Thank you for being so honest and candid, and I'm so glad you've decided to end this for all and get some help. It attests to your amazing courage, and I really pray that you'll get the best out of your treatment. *HUGS*

theemptynutjar said...

Jenna, thank you for the comment on my blog. My dear, this is a beautiful blog. I can relate to your situation much (email me if you like, vent, relate, share, anything)...anyway...I was once forced in IP...but for me it was dreadful experience...merely because of the circumstances...and fact that it was not a "true and typical or appropriate place" was kind of what i was "stuck with"...I am sad to see that you will not be blogging because you have quite a journey to share.
My heart is filled with happiness knowing you are seeking help girl. YOU deserve that....dont doubt that. I struggle a lot...i try to make most posts positive,,,and i have come a long way....i am encouraging and strong more times than not. The post i have posted tonite, is more of my worries and personal..not great...but we cant be strong all the time. THinking of you.

Anonymous said...

jenna i am so happy that you have decided to get some help for yourself. i was often worried about you when i read your blog and i am relieved to hear that you are getting all the help that you need. and ED is really not something we can just brush off in a few weeks. those wounds take time to heal and i am so glad you are taking this time for yourself to heal.
loads of care from me

Anonymous said...

JENNA- i am so proud of you girl. you deserve this. you deservea healthy life, and this is one step closer. praying for you like crazy, depend on the Lord, i promise He will give you strength when it feels like there is none left. i love you girl!

Anonymous said...

First of all, I am so happy to hear your acceptance of your situation even though I totally feel you 100% on how hard and what a surprise it is. My health centre at my school was also very adamant about keeping my health at a certain level in order to allow me to return to school.
It sounds like your mother is very caring and supportive, and I know it's hard not going back to school, but now you have all your time to focus on your recovery and take as much time as you need! I have faith in you :)
Lots of love,

Lena said...

You are very brave and good on you for getting help for it is the hardest thing to do on earth, to admit you need help. i will miss reading your blog but i will look forward to read it again when you are well... all the best! Take care!

Jocelyn said...

Hey girl...I'm glad you are going to get the help and support you need.
Thinking of you during this rough patch..

Katie said...

Hi Jenna :) thank you for your comment on my blog! Well done for agreeing to go IP, I really hope it helps you. I had an eating disorder for 13 years before I started getting better, so I don't think there's any shame at all in needing to go back. It takes more strength to admit that you need help and DO something about it than to carry on pretending everything is fine. Too many people talk the talk but don't walk the walk. Good for you!
Katie x

Karina (Like Some Cat from Japan) said...

This is my first time visiting your blog and I just wanted to say thanks for the comment first of all. I am glad I came across your site.

You seem like a very smart, beautiful girl who has so much to offer in the world and so much to give others. I know it is going to be hard going into IP but you are so brave for getting the help you need. and for admitting that you DO need the help, because accepting that you have a problem is the only way to fight it.
I have been in your position before, and it is so scary but I know that you can do this.
Focus on recovery, it is a long road but it is SO worth it.
Living inside of ED is like living in an alternate universe. It is like a joke. You are living on Earth but at the same time you are far away from it. You aren't ever truly present with an Eating Disorder.
You deserve to get back to living! Be ED free!

I am going to think a lot about you even though I do not know you well,
take care, gorgeous


Jayce said...

I just stumbled onto your blog today, and what a post to find. :( I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time right now, but I am so proud of you for acknowledging that you can't do it on your own and for accepting the support of those around you. I have been exactly where you are right now - recovering from an ED and lapsing back almost without thought. I have been on track for years now, and I know you can do it, too! Accept help, get the treatment you need and TRY your hardest, and pray. I pray that you will search the depths of your illness and find freedom. You are in my prayers, sweet girl!

Emily (A Nutritionist Eats) said...

Jenna, so glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself. You deserve it. Best of luck. :)

Jess said...

I am so glad you are doing this, Jenna! I really am. I know it's going to be hard, but it's for the best. Your health is most important right now, not school. Best of luck to you!

I don't know much about in-patient, but will you be able to email or anything? I'd love to stay in some sort of contact with you!

It's all doing to be okay. I love you!
<3 jess

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