She got mad at me yesterday when she found out I went to both my doctor and nutritionist appointment without her on Wednesday. Since I was mad at her then I didn't want her to come with me (although she really shoud have considering my health!) But I was being stubborn and thought I would get back at her by going by myself. Well that kind of backfired yesterday when she found out and went A-wall on me! I mean honestly I really didn't want her to come because all she was going to do was bash on me the whole time and tell them the truth about what was really going on with me and of course I did NOT want them. But again, now that I think of it she really should have came with me, because she is my mom!
Last night I took the night off from blogging to do some thinking about some personal issues. You are all probably wondering what is going on with me and I will tell you!
So here it goes...
If you have been reading my blog for quite some time you know I have been struggling a bit for the past few months. Lately I have been getting a lot of anonymous comments saying I need to get more help but I kind of just brushed it off and thought nothing of it. I told myself I could do it by myself and I will get the help I need while at home over winter break.
My blog hasn't been quite the same as it was when I first started. I haven't really been posting a lot of foodie pics lately and my blogging has really been blah to say the least. I really just didn't have the energy and desire to blog.
Well the reason is because I have been struggling with my ED and I need to be honest with you all. I was doing really well at the beginning of the semester and then towards the end I started to slip and didn't really think anything of it. Before I went on winter break, Health Services at my college knew going home was going to be very hard and stressful for me. They told me to take care of myself and get the care I need over winter break because they were all very concerned and nervous for me. Well again I just ignored them and thought I could do it on myself. But of course we all now you can't always do it by yourself. Sometimes you need to bite the bullet and get the help you really need...and that is what I did not do!
So this past Wednesday I had an appointment with my primary doctor and she cleared me to go back to school although under strict circumstances. We came up with a plan that I would be weighed in weekly and have therapy weekly at college. I was glad she gave me the a-okay to go back! Now all my doctor had to do was let Health Services know I could come back to school and she did. Everything (I thought) was going smoothly!
Then, last night I got an e-mail from the director at Health Services saying I need to seek more medical treatment before returning to school this semester. WHAT?! I though I was cleared to go back. What was going on?! When I got this e-mail I was at my sister's basketball game I wanted to burst out crying. I thought my doctor cleared me and everything was fine, but I guess I was wrong. Even though my doctor gave me the okay to go back to school, Health Services told me they cannot provide enough support for me while at school and I need to get more intense treatment. At this point I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to tell my mom because we were out in public and I don't think it would have been the appropriate time. I was freaking out! All I could think about was what was going to happen to me! Was she really serious? Was she really not letting me back at school?! I thought about school and how I couldn't afford to take another semester off.
I started freaking out so I called my girl Meg and she helped calmed me down a bit. All last night I couldn't sleep and just kept thinking about what was going to happen. It was a horrible night!
This morning I called everyone from my doc, nurse practioner, nutritionist, and so on to try and figure everything out so I would be allowed to go back to school tomorrow. Things were looking good until this afternoon until the director of Health Services called me to let me know she was very concerned about me and I needed to go in-patient before returning back to campus. Immediately as I talked to her I started balling my eyes out and my mind was going in every direction. I had NO idea what I was going to do.
She later called and talked to my mom who was out with my sister and told her what was happening. My mom then called me back and was actually very calm and told me she knew this was going to happen to me but I just didn't listen to her before. And to tell you the truth, she was so RIGHT! She was the one person who said at the beginning of winter break I needed to go back in-patient because she knew I wasn't doing well. But again, I just ignored her and thought everything was going to be okay. Why didn't I listen to her and why are moms ALWAYS right?
So enough babbling on about what has happened in these crazy 24 hours, I will cut to the chase and tell you what I am planning on doing. Since I need to seek intense medical treatment NOT only to be able to go back to school but to be able to live a healthy lifestyle and get back on track, I would like to let you all know I will be starting in-patient treatment this Monday at Walden Behavioral Care where I spent four weeks last March 2009. I honestly NEVER thought I would have to go back but right now it is definitely what I need to do for myself.
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same thing.
After spending more than an hour crying this afternoon, I wasted no time and called Walden Behavioral myself. Since it is the weekend, I have an intake assesment tomorrow afternoon and then a clinical evaluation on Monday.
Now that I have practically written a book for you to read, I just had to get that off my chest and let you all know what is going on. I will continue to read blogs until I leave and I will write one last post before as well :)
I hope you all understand where I am coming from and I appreciate all the support everyone has given me and it means the WORLD to me!
Love you all xoxo