I made myself an egg omlet using 2 whole eggs and 1/4 cup cheese. I have never really made an omlet before, usually mom makes them for me. But since she wasn't home I had to be the chef for the night. I don't think it is supposed to be that brown but oh well, I think I just burnt it a wee bit and still tasted fine.
I also had an english muffin on the side with Polaner's Seedless Raspberry spread and a glass of milk on the side.
cute lil smiley face ;)
Then for an evening snack I had a Boost. But not just a Vanilla, Strawberry, or Chocolate flavor...but BUTTER PECAN! First of all I didn't even know they had this flavor until my mom found it the other day while grocery shopping! We both had never seen this flavor before and she already had them in the cart ready to buy them! Gotta love her! I just knew I had to buy them along with Vanilla and Strawberry.Let me tell you this flavor was amazing! I chilled it in the freezer for a half hour before drinking to get it nice and cold and it was perfect! It tasted like pecan, butter, and vanilla. I feel like I was like drinking a delicious milkshake but really it was a yummy nutritional drink ;) You will DEFINITELY be seeing me drinking more of these in the future!
Now onto breakfast this morning featuring yet another yogurt mess! Gotta have the key components such as...
Brown Cow yogurt
Kashi Go Lean
a banana (I only had 1 but I took a picture of our lil banana holder)
Party with Potassium ;) I thought it was cute.
Crazy Richard's creamy pb
the end result!
Ok so as much as I love my Anthropologie bowl I must say I am kind of getting sick of looking at it every day on the blog and I assume you are too! I need to get more cute breakfast bowls ;)
yogurt mess all mixed up like it should be! Perfect and delicious :)
Morning snack was a Vanilla Boost with a serving of almonds. Then my mom and I went to go vote for the Senate Race. Yeah for voting!!
Lunch was a turkey panini on whole wheat bread with american cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes with some pretzels, an apple, and milk. I must say I am kind of getting sick of apples as well, so I WILL be switching it up in the near future.
Then it was time for my doctors appointment with my mom! I was super nervous and anxious to see what was going to happen.
So to back track to last Saturday when all hell broke lose for me. The director of Health Services officially told me I had to take a medical leave from school to seek more medical attention and come up with a plan with my doctor before returning back to school.
So as of right now I am currently on medical leave for school for the next few weeks. I am only allowed to miss up to two weeks for medical leave or then I will be too far behind in my classes to catch up and would have to withdrawal for the semester which is NOT what I want to do since I had to withdrawal last spring for my ED (not fun!)
On Saturday when I was in tears after I found out I couldn't go back to school, I thought I was done for the semester and I would definitely be going back to Walden. I thought that was my only option. So I did call like I told you all and then on Sunday I had my telephone intake and then I was scheduled to be admitted this morning.
Well over the weekend I did a lot of thinking as to what I was going to do. I mean I couldn't afford to miss another semester of school but I also need to get healthy, strong, and get my life back. I had so much going through my mind!
On Sunday when I totally took a 360 turn in the right direction, I decided I was sick of this ED ruining everything and I wanted it to change! I knew I wanted to get over this ED, move on with my life, and get back to school. That was my goal and I was determined to conquer it.
So even though I told you I was admitting myself to in-patient treatment on Saturday I still had other options. I wanted to meet with my doctor to come up with a plan as to what I should do to get healthy and be able to return back to school.
This afternoon my doctor, my mom, and I all met to come up with a solid plan we all felt was going to be successful for me. My doctor basically told me Health Services slammed the door in my face this past Saturday but is willing to open it up again for me! In order for me to return back to school I must have a plan in order. Like I said before I can only take up to two weeks off from school for my medical absence before having to withdrawal for the semester. So for the next two weeks I need to show some major improvement not only to myself but to everyone else as well. I will be having several weigh-ins at my doctors over the next few weeks to make sure I am doing well and I also will be seeing my therapist weekly. These next two weeks at home are crucial for me to do well! As long as I can keep it up over the next few weeks and do what I need to do then hopefully I will be able to return back to campus. I just hope I can do it! Well actually...I know I can do it! Ever since Sunday morning I have a totally new positive attitude towards recovery:)
Oh yeah I also had to get some blood work done and get an EKG while at the doctors this afternoon as well.
With that being said as of right now I will NOT be going in-patient at Walden, at least not this week. But however if I am not doing well at home over these next few weeks I will most likely be going back. I am sorry for saying on Saturday I was admitting myself to Walden. I know a lot of you were all so happy for me that I was going to going to get treatment. I only said that was because I thought that was my only option, I didn't know there were other options I had. But over the weekend I did a lot of thinking and I decided what I wanted to do and what I thought would be best for me.
So again I am so so sorry for telling you I was going in-patient and now I am not. I bet a lot of you are disappointed in me but I feel as though I made the right decision in my recovery. I didn't mean to lie to you or anything at all. I hope you all understand where I am coming from!
Okay so moving onto the foodie front...I may or may not have a lil obsession with Clif Bars now ;) No shame! I don't know why I never ate these bars over the past summer rather than having Power Bars all the time. Well actually I do know why! ED always told me Clif Bars have a few more calories in them than Power Bars so that I should stay away from them. That's why! But really what does ED know? Oh yeah...NOTHING!
But ever since having an ED and recovering from it I have learned a whole lot about food and nutrition. I must say I am now a fan of Clif Bars because of their great nutrition, taste, and whole organic and natural ingredients!
So basically I am saying I have a new found love for Clif Bars ;) And you could probably guess what I had for an afternoon snack! If you guessed a Clif Bar then you are right. Blueberry Crisp Clif Bar that is!
Tonight I went to my sister's high school basketball game toinght with my mom and lil sis then came home to have some dinner. I am currently watching The Biggest Loser with my dad and then I am gonna have a Strawberry Boost before going to bed!
Tomorrow morning I have a Nutritionist Appointment! I am actually looking forward to meeting with her since I was supposed to see her last Wednesday but I had to keep re-scheduling with her because she has been sick. My mom and I both have lots of questions for her and I can't wait to see what she has to say! I hope it all goes well.
Night chicas :)
25 comments:
I couldn't even finish reading your post, it screams Ed. Your eating disorder is getting a pass-you're home now and will do what you need to in order to get back to school, it is the cycle of someone in relapse. I thought you really saw you needed help. I'm so sorry you don't see that. You can't turn months of this around overnight, you really need inpatient and it is too bad your team doesn't see beyond your/ed's games. You know this deep down. Good luck to you. I am truly saddened that you are being "given a pass", you are only going to go further into your disease and it is TRULY sad. Walden is there and YOU KNOW it is what you need. Face the fear and do it anyway. I'm sure people you met in treatment with would tell you the same, or a friend who understands eds. I'm at a loss, very saddened by this post and as I said I couldn't finish reading it because it is all bullshit if you ask me. All bullshit, and it's a girl who has a future but ed has such a strong hold. I hope you can get a grasp on things. Truly.
You said you met with your nutritionist and doctor last wednesday without your mom-now your saying you didn't meet w/ her. Why lie? and why pretend you are going for help, which clearly you got a lot of support about, to say you aren't?
I can't be part of this. I hope you get the help you need.
J
I vote Walden, no need to waste time.
Get the foundation re-settled/re-formed, so to speak.
Kiersten
aw jenna, please don't feel the need to apologize for this decision! it's not like you intentionally LIED or something, you just didn't know all of your options at the time that you wrote that post. ideally you can stay out of the hospital, sure going inpatient would have obviously been a step up in the level of treatment you're getting, but i honestly don't think that inpatient is always a good idea. oftentimes it is triggering, or it is very helpful in the short term but then without the constant support upon returning home relapse is likely. my point is, if you want to recvoer without going inpatient, i urge you to do that! i know you can! and having school as an incentive is great, but remember your health comes first, ok? <3 u!
anonymous,
I did NOT lie. if you have been reading my posts you would have known last wednesday i DID met with my doctor by myself and then last thursday i DID met with a different nutritionist by myself because my nutritionist was sick. i don't know why you would think i am lying, when clearly...I AM NOT.
I am sorry you are disappointed in my decision i made but i feel as though it is the wisest decision for myself at this point in time.
you are right walden is there and will always be there and i know that. if i am not doing well these next few weeks at home like i said before i will be going back. but my plan is to do well for these next few weeks and show improvement in order to get back to school. then once back at school still continue to do well.
jenna
Jenna, I was just reading your entry and I know you are motivated which is GREAT, but you mentioned that you've been struggling for a few months-two weeks is just a bandaid, it's just carrying you over until the summer. You have to REALLY ask yourself if two weeks at home and then going back to school is going to "fix" (I hate that word but I'm writing fast and well, fix), or undo the relapse you've had. Honestly it won't, you will be in the same place when you get back to school. I of course would hope you would be able to turn things around and keep it up back at school but we all know that is a LOT to ask of anyone. Ask yourself, honestly what you need to do for your recovery-even if making the choice is scary, hell girl it is worth it. Isn't life worth living, even if it is scary? You wouldn't be recommended to Walden if you didn't have an eating disorder, and Walden wouldn't take you if you didn't (And keep in mind there are some amazing places aside from Walden-Remuda? horses?) -and there's all of us telling you to go get the help you need. I know it is scary, I've been there but being real and facing it is the best thing you can do. Seriously. I hope you will go to a residential program sooner rather then later, I bet your mom and your team feel the same.
Don't let this shit take any more of your life then it has.
Kiersten
Jenna I'm really anxious after reading this. I have never had ED, and therefore am not judging you or your decision. I do feel YOU were speaking from your heart a few days ago when you said you know Walden was the place you needed to go for help. After reading the more recent posts it seems as though that your ED may be doing some of the talking. I know it may seem like a relief that one of your options is to be able to work on this at home, but I'm honestly quite nervous for you. I truly hope that something life changing happens for you within the next few weeks and you are able to get the help you need at home, or come to the realization that in patient (even if it's not exactly what you want to do) may be the best way to get better. I'm scared that one day I'm going to click on your blog and something is going to have happened :( I want you to get help Jenna...I'm here for you! We all are.
SO SO SO proud of you <3
girl this is SO WEIRD because the SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME! dont worry what everybody else says, because i know what you mean. its a new found motivation!! i was JUST about to leave for inpatient then had a spark in motivation to GET HEALTHY! email me if you need anything!
Katie! That is too funny! And seenow you are a beautiful healthy young woman :)
it's so weird how all of a sudden you can get a boost of motivation!
Jenna
jenna, i hope you are able to succeed in your recovery without walden. I wont comment on if i think u made the right choice or not because only you know what is best for you & you have a treatment team. :) good luck wiht everything!!
Jenna- no one on this blog and no one who reads ANYONES blog knows the full story and how well/not well someone is doing. Obviously these doctors wouldnt let you back down if they thought you were in full jepordy, so dont let some anon tell you what they think a doc. should be telling you. You do what is right for you! I already see an improvment in your eating...and I hope it continues, FOREVER! I mean honestly, look at all the yummy food...how could you NOT love it!? :)
Im rootin for ya to get better, whichever way you choose to do it. because either way, if it comes down to inpatient or not, youll get there. You have your life, live it to the fullest and trust in your doctors and yourself.
Prayin for ya!
xo- Molly
www.givinganythingbutup.wordpress.com
Aww thanks so much Molly! You are so right :) love ya girl and thanks for all your support!
I hope you made the right decision. As a few people already said- the blog readers aren't in any place to tell you whether or not this is the best decision, but I'm just praying that it's what is best for you. I personally don't do well in treatment centers, but I've also never been to one such as remuda or renfrew. Perhaps if this semester doesn't go as well as you hoped, you'll look into one of those programs. They make life long changes- not just month-long ones.
Stay strong girl.
I'm really hoping you make some positive changes :) I'm rooting for you
Eat up those cliff bars girl! Super wholesome, healthy, and tasty :)
I love the smiley face. :)
The only thing I really want to say is that you really shouldn't worry about school -- sometimes one thing has to take a back seat to another. And school will ALWAYS be there (I'm 24 and still an undergrad and its ccooool mannn) -- there are so many different options now for school, and sometimes the 4 year, direct to degree, direct to job just isn't right for everyone. I want you to be healthy. And you shouldn't look at any time as an in-patient as taking away from your life because it would only eventually add to it. If you had to take time off from school -- which I know sucks in terms of classes and social life -- it would be okay.
Just know, that nobody is judging you and there is no..."you should be graduated from college, have a degree and a killer job by 22" thing...everyone is an individual. I took time off for reasons having to do with traumatic issues with an ex, and ya know what...I think I appreciate school more NOW because of it.
No matter what, Jenna, know that it'll all work out. Just gotta put yourself first. :) So proud of you! and I hope that no matter your choices they are the best for you! (as of course you are the only one here who truly knows you!!). Much much much love.
Jenna-it's not so much that you didn't go in patient, it's that you're still eating the SAME things day after day. You need some FAT in your diet. How else do you think you'll gain any weight? You can't keep eating the things you've been if you expect to put on some LBs. This ED is ruining your life! Can't you see that? You have your whole life ahead of you. You are smart & beautiful How much longer will you let this go on?
And let's not forget all the drama that ED brings. I bet your family is sick of it. You need help, you have proven before you cannot do this on your own. Get your life back! Do it for yourself, the only one that counts!!!
Hope that wasn't too harsh, sorry if it was. I just want you to get better :(
hey don't feel sorry about anything. you have the right to whatever you want to do and whatever you wish to post. we, readers are behind you wll the way, not checking in but getting your eating right is still a good option and a good sign! so don't be sorry and all the best, hope this works out best for you! :)))
Okay Jenna, so you decided not to go to Walden. Clearly your decision, no one else's. Do you really think you can conquer this on your own though? You've tried this before only to have failed :( This may be just more time wasted. Time that could be more productivly used to get you better. There are other in patient places to go better than Walden. You need a life long treatment plan, not just a quick fix to get you back to school.
I think you are just being fooled by ED and are setting yourself up for more disappointment.
Everyday that goes by is a day wasted. Get yourself the REAL help you need! Stop abusing your body. You're still young enough where you can turn this horrible thing around. Make your family and friends PROUD of you again. Remember those days? Don't you want your self worth back? Dump ED! He is nothing but a loser! Rid yourself of that creep!!! You can do it Jenna I know you can :)
Jenna,
There are a lot of comments on here from people who've been this road, I hope you are taking them SERIOUSLY to heart-school will always be there, your life and health won't. I understand your doctor and mom giving you a week or so to "turn things around" but this is more then a "turn things around" situation.
I also hope for your sake, and for your future you make the right decision and I also want to say there are places that are much better then Walden-have you thought about Remuda Ranch? I saw a couple people mentioned it.
Look inside yourself and be honest with yourself, your mom and your team.
Best of luck over the next 2 weeks! You sound very determined...
Clif bars are pretty awesome, I would agree!
hey thanks for the comment girlie! i love your blog, its so wonderful. do what YOU think is right, not what everyone else does ;) i think you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to. all your eats look sooo yummy. and all those clifs- jealooous much? have an amazing wednesday jenna! xoxo soph
i support you in everyway that you think is right for you jenna! stay strong and believe in your healing and it will happen
xoxo
Seriously.. fuck anon's. They don't know your life, or your situation.. they aren't living it out with you. THIS IS A BLOG- it doesn't show your every waking moment. They need to shut up. You didn't ask for their harsh, unwanted opinion... so why are they giving it to you? People like us start blogs for LOVE and SUPPORT, and they are doing the opposite... they need to grow some balls and post a name and/or website.. because it just shows how cowardly they reallly are. It makes them feel better to bring other people down.
Awww Laura you are so right! Love yaaa :)
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