ED beat me

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Happy Happy Humday everyone! Hope all is going well :) The weather here has been b-e-a-utiful here lately but I know it won't last very long...boo!

How is the weather where you are?!
I started off my humpidy Humpday with a nice yogurt mess with Vanilla Brown Cow yogurt, Kashi Go Lean, a sliced banana, and a drizzle of Crazy Richard's creamy peanut butter with milk on the side.

Then I was off to classes all morning finally returned back to my room around 1:30 and had some lunch.
For lunch I had turkey & swiss on whole wheat bread with pretzels, an apple, and milk.

I actually got a veggie burger first but then ED really kicked in hard and I ended up getting turkey and swiss on whole wheat bread instead :/ I usually get veggie burgers once or twice a week to switch it up a bit, and I have been getting them on Wednesdays before my appointment because they have been good luck for me ;) Yeah I know I am weird like that!

But the reason why I ended up not eating the veggie burger was because I saw the chef pour some typle of cooking oil on the grill to cook my burger and ED totally did NOT like this! He said I definitely should not eait it with that greasy oil. I have had these veggie burgers before and I have never had this problem before, but this time ED totally won :( I was really sad because I was looking forward to the veggie burger for lunch because they are very yummy. I have really been in control of ED lately and I have NOT let him beat me in awhile, but this afternoon he did.

But onto more better news. Since it is Wednesday you all know I had my weekly weigh-in with Karen. Again, I was super nervous and I was fearing for the best. But my appointment went very very well I must say. I did gain since the last time I saw her, which was two weeks ago. I am proud of myself for doing what I need to do in my recovery, like following my meal plan and gaining weight. But I feel as though it is going too fast. ED keeps telling me I am gaining weight way too fast and that I have no control! He keeps telling me to slow it down and take control. But I know he is so wrong! After my appointment I mad a necessary run to Target to pick up a few things. I just thought I would snap a pic because I all know how curious you are as to what I bought ;) Some shampoo & conditioner, printer ink, and a few bars.

Have a great night friends :)



Molls said...

Sorry you had a rough day girl! Sometimes it is gross to actually see your food being cooked on a sizzling greasy griddle. I do not blame you. Pick yourself up and go on living girl. Next time just do not give in and go with it! I know slowly but surely you will make more and more gains in the battle with your ed. Good finds girl! LOVE herbal essenses. I use the purple toussle me kind!

Jess said...

LOVE those pure protein bars! They are so good!

Sorry ED beat you today--but don't lose hope. It's okay!! Just keep fighting him! Have a veggie burger tomorrow :)
<3 jess

Anonymous said...

Dont let ED get ya girl! That oil is nothin'. You are stronger than this, it will take time for you to see but in the end I KNOW you will beat it. You have been doing so well and I am proud of you...dont let one set back get you back into the mindset of ED...keep on the right path and you will do wonderful :)
Prayin for ya!


Anonymous said...

Keep your head up girl! Its not like you decided not to eat ANYTHING! At least you still got something! I'm proud of ya- so take that ;) Think positive Jenna!

~Christie http://rollerkoesterrun.wordpress.com/

Angela @ A Healthy Fit said...

Hang in there! I know it must be so hard, I struggle at times too.

As far as the weight gain, just know that you are gaining because you are getting healthy. Think about how good you feel and because you are improving, you are winning. So even though you lost today with the veggie burger, overall you are doing enough to win!

Keep up the good work! Keep your chin up and a smile on your face!!

Steph said...

Hi Jenna. Tomorrow is a new day...get that veggie burger tomorrow!

Random question - do your parents/nutritionist know you have a food blog? If yes, do they follow it? If no, how come you don't tell them?

FoodCents said...

All you can do is take each day at a time. You are doing so well and remember major life changes always takes time and getting used to.


Lindsay Cotter said...

ED did not beat you. He just caught you off guard, you can fight back! Next time, just simply take a napkin and blot the grease a little bit. You'll feel a little better but there will still be a little oil left over. You rock and you inspire us daily girl!

From Here to There. In Purple. said...

Hi love,
ED will creep in every once in a while, but you can't let that affect the rest of your day. ED came, ED did its thing BUT ED left-- don't let that brief visit hold you back :)

sweet dreams <3

Mari said...

ED did not beat you! I am sure you are not the only one would be turned off by seeing all that grease on their food. Don't beat yourself up =)

I am happy to hear that your session went well and that you got some yummy things at Tar-Jay. I love luna bars!

Anonymous said...

I know that alot of people in the blogging community have dealt with eating disorders and I have also been through some of the struggles you are going through, but I am in complete amazement of how you are doing this on your own and without treatment. I just wanted to say that you are such an inspiration for me and please remember that tomorrow is a NEW day and you can eat the veggie burger tomorrow!! :)

Anonymous said...

This post, like so many of your posts really speaks volumes as to how you are REALLY doing. I hope you will REALLY get the help you need because I truly don't think that you will go for that veggie burger after seeing the oil, I wish you would but I know how hard this crap is. You are doing well, but there is so much more you can be doing with your life and the time in your mind. Honestly. Take it from someone who doesn't want to see you waste anymore time. I know you are struggling, you are doing great but you are struggling-get the support you deserve and go back to school in the Fall a new and rejunivated Jenna.

-A Friend.

Mary said...

It's really good that you are aware that those thoughts were ED thoughts. Now that you are aware of them you can battle them better! As far as weight gain..when I was gaining, the doctor was happy with a half a pound gain as long as it was a gain. You said you didn't see the number so don't worry about things moving too fast, you are on the RIGHT track!
P.S. Do NOT blot greace as one poster suggested, that is giving into ED.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you had a rough day, chica! You'll have to show ED who's boss and get that veggie burger tomorrow! :) Love Herbal Essence shampoos - they just smell soo good.

Lo said...

I walk into Target and I leave with the whole store!!! Tomorrow is Friday so treat yourself with that veggie burger ;)


Alyson @ Nourished Fitness said...

Like everything, there are good days and bad days. Brush it off (with maybe a little F-you ED.. too harsh? :p ), and tomorrow will be fantastic!

Anonymous said...

i am not a fan of this post title! but i am glad you are being honest with yourself about what happened today, and you will be better equipped to handle it next time around!

Anonymous said...

Well don't let ED beat you on Friday when you can't have meat for lent. What have you been eating for dinners?

Anonymous said...

I think a big part of recovery is simply recognizing the thoughts as not your own and not in your best interest. You may not have 100% overcome them today, but you recognized them. All you can do is try to learn from today when the situations arise again. Maybe go for the veggie burger today and show ED who is boss. ;)

I commend you for being honest and for noticing when thoughts aren't the best. Good job!

Anonymous said...

what do you eat for dinner at school? You ever show it like you did earlier last semester? I am worried?

Jessica @ The Process of Healing said...

Tell that ED to stick it where the sun doesn't shine girl ;)
In all seriousness, so sorry about today. I know it sucks, feeling that panic inside of you that you CANNOT eat THAT. You just have to push through it and eat it anyway. And next time, I have faith that you will.
Hope tomorrow is better for you! (erm.. today)

Anonymous said...

your ED didn't win - you still ate a delicious, filling and healthy lunch! prove to yourself that you can do this by getting a veggie burger for lunch soon.

congrats for taking charge and wanting to get better.

La said...

Jenna! Honesty with yourself is 100% the most important part of the healing process, not being perfect and doing all the right things all the time. Recovery includes failures and flops - you learn from these moments and next time you're stronger! It's only when you don't see these thoughts as problematic that you're going in reverse. You're such an amazing girl. I know these feelings SUCK so bad, dealing with the bad thoughts is equally (if not more) important as getting through a day without these thoughts.

I hope today is a better day!!! <3

Gabriela. said...

Awww, Jenna..
I´m so sorry about ED taking over!
But don´t worry - everyday´s a new battle. If you lost today, you can always win tomorrow. Recovery´s about never giving up! Right?
You can do it, girl!
Have an amazing day!
Brazilian XOXO´s,

Anonymous said...

stay strong Jenna, you really need to not let ed beat you... your life is so valuable

Anonymous said...

Jenna, Please get the help you need. This post makes me so sad. I wish your parents knew about this blog, so they could see how much you struggle. Do they know about the blog? I really don't see you making any improvements. You eat the SAME thing over and over and rarely venture out of your "safe" zone. Recovery is long, and I don't think you should go through it alone! Please take this comment to heart and just THINK about it. Also, please stop eating kashi go lean. I really think it will help you. Seriously! I don't know if I can keep reading your blog if you don't!

Trying To Heal said...

I'm catching up on your posts and as sad as I am to hear that you're struggling it's good to hear you're realizing what's happening. i'm glad you are able to talk to us and others about your struggles and hope that next time you want that veggie burger, you'll go and get it.

Anonymous said...

Its okay Jenna. You win some you lose some but like you said, you win most of the time over ED. It's not an overnight process as you already know of course so that's okay, at least you didn't let ED tell you not to eat anything at all. I think a turkey and swiss sammie is still healthy and has good for you calories.

I felt like I gained my weight too fast too but I'm maintain now so it's okay. Keep it up girl. You know that your med team knows whats good. I'm proud of you!!

Jenna said...

steph- my mom does know about my blog and she does read it regularly :)

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