This afternoon for lunch I had a tuna sandwich on some of my new bread I bought yesterday...DARK PUMPERNICKEL! I love the smell of it when I go to the store and yesterday I was brave enough to but it and today I tried it ;)
I had a tuna sandwich with Laughing Cow Light Swiss Cheese on dark pumpernickel, Snyder's Oat Bran pretzel sticks, a peach, and a glass of milk.
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I also had an appointment with my nutricionist. My mom came with me and everything went pretty well. It was my last time seeing her before I leave for school this Sunday so we were there for quit a long time. My mom is really nervous for me to go back to college because she doesn't know if she is making the right decision! She doesn't know if I should go back to my college or go to a school closer to home and maybe commute! Then when she gets nervous I also get nervous, I keep second guessing myself whether or not I am making the right decision going back to college and live away from home. I know it will be very difficult for me but I am up for the challenge. The last thing I wont to happen is for me to RELAPSE again at college! I really really really DO NOT want that to happen.
So now I don't know what to do!! School starts next Monday and I am still nervous and thinking about whether or not I am making the right decision that will be best for my HEALTH and somewhere I like rather than going to a college just to please others!
Then when I came home and my dad starting telling me I should go to a college where I am going to be happy at. He keeps telling me not to go to a school that i don't like and not to go to a school just to please him and my mom. I keep getting this feeling from him that he doesn't want me to return to my college again where I started having an ED. I think he beleives it will happen again if I return there. He thinks I need to take "baby steps" and just start taking a few classes around home and see how that goes and then maybe think about moving away to college.
THIS IS ALL STRESSING ME OUT AND I DON'T KNOW IF I AM MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION! PART OF ME WANTS TO GO BACK TO COLLEGE BUT THE OTHER PART OF ME WANTS TO STILL BE AT HOME AND GO TO COLLEGE CLOSER TO HOME!
Snack was an Iced Oatmeal Raisin Luna Bar and a G2. A lil purple snack ;) This was my first time trying this flavor Luna Bar and it was really good! I know i really should not be having this bar as a snack because it does not have enough calories in it but i really want to try new bars...but i need to get back on track! i can't afford to decrease on calories!
The Iced Oatmeal Raisin was decent. It tasted like a chewy oatmeal raisin cookie with icing on the bottom. The bar was made with oats and cinnamon and had very few little pieces of raisin scattered through the bar. I didn't find this bar very tasty but overall it was okay. I would have this bar again but I am also willing to try all the other flavors as well.
Whoahh! Sorry for such the long post. If you actually read all of it then major props to ya ;)
Hey Jenna,
ReplyDeleteI'm not a "commenter" when it comes to blogs, but I read your blog all the time and I really felt the need to comment tonight. I have been struggled with disordered eating and depression for the past two years (thank you, high school! haha )... and I can 101% relate to you with your confusion over going back to school. It's beyond frustrating when you think you finally have things down, but nobody else really trusts you yet. I didn't return to school this year because of my situation, and even though I knew it was the right thing- I knew I wouldn't make it through the semester, I knew I wouldn't be able to focus, I knew it wasn't for me- everybody doubted me. The peanut gallery would not stop- and everybody things they know what the right thing to do is.
Well, my boss at work said it best in my eyes. He said, "There's no need to care about what everybody else thinks is right, because the only right thing to do is what you think is right and what you are comfortable doing." Enough said!
Honestly, if you feel you are ready- go to school, see your lax girls, settle in, and take it one day at a time. You can aLwAys come home- it seems like you have a beautiful, loving family, and you can always come home. But, you can't decide to go to campus midway through the semester. School will be a challenge, but take it and embrace it, and consider every day you flourish on your own to be an accomplishment and inspiration to those who look to you for encouragement.
You can do it. Do what you know is best. And, as always, lax4life. : )
I love pumpernickel bread but haven't had it in Forever! :)
ReplyDeleteCute yellow stonyfield bag :)
aww thanks for the sweet comment dee! thanks for sharing your story and i really appreciate all of your advice :)
ReplyDeletejenna xo
That bread looks amazing.
ReplyDeleteBe positive about going to school and know you won't relapse. If you have a bad day move on. It's only one day. Concentrate on taking it one day at a time!
You CAN do this. It's frustrating to know that you have to deal with this along with all of the other normal stresses of school but you were strong enough to overcome the disease and you are strong enough not to relapse. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!
It's tough to know when you are "ready" to be on your own with ED Recovery tools in hand. You will have to remember that no one will be there to look over your shoulder. You will have to be responsible for making your onw HEALTHY decisions. The great part is how good you will feel when you realize you have been your own support by making healthful decisions and pushing away the ED. You will feel awesome knowing that you are responsible for your own recovery :)
ReplyDeleteI think you need to go to school where you feel comfortable. It sounds like you felt comfortable returning to this college before your mom became nervous, so maybe you're just letting your mom's opinion influence your own.
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry about the stress girl -- i know it can be frustrating when there are pros and cons to all situation -- but i think you really need to take the time to sit down, breath, and really get your thoughts together to realize what's best for you and your well being right now. Try to put your parents wishes aside and focus on yourself. Something that really worked for me was taking out a sheet of paper and literally just organizing my thoughts into pros about going back to school and cons -- once my cons list COMPLETELY outweighed the pros - i realized staying at home would be best for me!
ReplyDeletegood luck with this deicision babe -- follow your heart :)
love!
Jenny